It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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