Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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