I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
