I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish i was in the wii world.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
