I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
