is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
