I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so let's talk penis.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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