I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
