I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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