It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
