watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
