she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
