tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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