A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
