My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
