I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
