I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
so much tequila, so little girl.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
