Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
