Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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