my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
