So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
