Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
