It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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