there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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