Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
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