I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
