I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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