Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
