While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
