She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize