I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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