He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my phone needs a breathalizer
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
As shirtless as possible
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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