just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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