id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
