So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
