my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I am one with the molecules
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
