Im at strip club and am horny
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize