I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Randomize
