I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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