Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
