i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Green mimosas i think yes
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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