U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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