your thong is hanging out like whoa
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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