the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
