i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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