I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We have so much sex to catch up on
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Drunk is not a location!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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