my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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