That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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