Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
