my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
