Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
