They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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