i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
