When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
