Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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